It’s Okay To Get Help Achieving Goals
July 10, 2014 § 2 Comments
Flickr credit: Jinx!
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So I’ve started a new venture. Well, actually going to the gym is not unknown to me. I had a membership once before without success.
This time, however, I’ve taken on a personal trainer to help me realize my goals – the first of which is to not suck air by doing minimal physical activity and the second is to make fitness part of a daily routine.
My first attempt at getting in better shape occurred in 1998. After I started my communications business, I really embraced the change in my career by taking on a few personal development pursuits, including going to the gym and enrolling in Toastmasters.
I made a valiant with both in the beginning, but as I got busy building the business, I began rationalizing why I couldn’t go. Eventually I dropped both because I had felt the need to be going all the time as part of my new lifestyle.
It didn’t occur to me that doing something less frequently but still regularly was better than doing nothing at all. The required commitment just wasn’t there for either.
Fast forward to 2014
I decided to buy a bike in May. My last one died in 1997 as I pedaled to work at the Ontario Lottery Corporation one morning. I hadn’t cycled since.
Despite initial excitement about even cycling to and from work, I have only gone for one spin.
Then, a couple of weeks ago, I was contacted via LinkedIn by Taylor Jarvis, a personal trainer who works at Winston’s Health and Fitness Centre. She’d heard through a mutual acquaintance that I might be looking for someone to coach me at the gym.
I thought there would be no harm in going to speak with her and doing an initial orientation.
The first time out was frustrating. I wasn’t able to get through what I felt were easy exercises on some of the equipment without help and I bailed out of lunges.
It also felt awkward to have someone coaching me on something I felt should be up to me to take care of – my own fitness.
In the workplace and out in the community, I am a mentor to numerous people. I wasn’t sure about this turnabout. I am very independent, competitive and take pride in everything I do. I rarely seek help on anything unless I have a problem with technology.
Taylor checked in that first evening to see how I was feeling and to make sure that I’d enjoyed working out. She told me had done well even though I was disappointed.
That encouragement helped make sure there was a next time.
By my second visit to the gym, I was feeling sore. I knew that was in part because I hadn’t worked some of my muscles hard in years. In between, diabetes had taken its toll on my body, too.
After that workout, Taylor asked me how I felt. I told her the dilemma was that I could quit and the soreness would go away or I could get stronger and it would also go away.
She said I could think of it as a good hurt.
Today, the role reversal came full circle.
After going through my first exercise, Taylor asked me how I felt. I replied, “Okay.” She countered with: “You mean, not awesome or great?”
That’s exactly how I might speak to someone who provided a less than enthusiastic reply. I wondered if Taylor had read one of my first blogs which was about banning iffy word and phrases like hope, try, may, might, if and would like to. She hadn’t. I usually cringe when others use the word okay as is equivalent to mediocre to me.
Inspiration to Continue
It was after this third workout that I decided I’d continue going to the gym regularly and that I would carry on with Taylor to coach me to higher levels of fitness. I realize that, in time, I can be more self-directed and work out on my own some of the time or at home.
I just know this time, I want to maintain fitness as something I just do and not let things get in the way. The one bit of exercise I did get in recent years was Jasper’s need for daily walks. As his health waned up until his death in February, we’d been taking shorter, less invigorating jaunts.
This spring, Joyce and I began walking up to 10 km per day which, combined with workouts, will put me in much better condition.
This fitness venture has reminded me that it’s okay to get help setting goals, reaching them, establishing new ones and measuring success. While I was skeptical that a personal trainer would be the solution, it helped to click with someone whose encouragement has already kept me going.
Reinforcement From Others
I tweeted out about my fitness pursuit today and received a lot of encouragement. I will share some of the responses:
Glenna Cross, a communications consultant in Calgary said: “Keep going David. Just pace yourself. Listen to your body’s messages about limits.”
Another communications colleague, Dan Huang, who lives in Edmonton, said, “keep going to the gym, sitting on our butts is shortening our life span daily…just going to the gym is half the battle.”
Friend Samantha Evans in New Jersey who also described the soreness from workouts as a “good hurt” told me how much she cherishes her gym time.
“It’s worth it, trust me. Think of it this way: You are bettering yourself. Push yourself, just not to the point of harming yourself.”
With the help of Taylor and encouragement from friends and colleagues, I’m sure to succeed this time.
One thing is for sure, I am not a woulda, coulda, shoulda type person.
Wisdom from the Passing Torch
June 16, 2014 § 1 Comment
“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.”
Legendary basketball coach John Wooden
Photo credit: Flickr User Tom Bech
The quote above was so meaningful to me that I put it up in my office at work. Its power was underlined over the past few weeks as I attended two celebrations of life.
At the first, the funeral of a colleague’s father, the pastor encouraged those in attendance to consider how we would want people to talk about us when it is time for our lives to be celebrated.
Of course, we have no way of knowing when that will be. Our time could come tomorrow or decades from now so living life to the fullest will provide a strong legacy to those we leave behind.
While, I live with no regrets, the second funeral – that of my mother-in-law – Mary Black, highlighted the life of someone who was as much of a role model as anyone could ever be.
Mary was soft-spoken but ever so strong. She was kind, gentle and compassionate. I can’t think of anyone else who no one would have a negative word to say about them.
She was the ideal mother-in-law and, in turn, she has my ultimate respect.
Mary’s way of life can probably be summed up best by what could be found on her refrigerator: pictures of family and friends and the Serenity Prayer.
She lived a simple life and her gifts were always thoughtful, often home-made.
One such present was delivered to my wife, Joyce, for Mother’s Day 14 years ago.
It was a journal filled with memories and answers to life questions.
It contained some sage advice which I’ll share:
- What is the most important message you have to pass on to others? “Be honest, don’t be lazy, do your best. Learn to laugh at yourself. We really are funny.”
- What is the secret of good health? “Have good genes, drink lots of water, eat sensibly, and keep moving.”
- What is your advice to those younger than you? “If there is something that you really want do to, don’t put it off too long. If there is something that you know you should do or say, don’t put it off. Find something good about every day.”
- What is your child-rearing philosophy? “Love them all the time, even when you hate what they are doing. Somebody has to be boss, so it better be an adult. Expect the best of them.”
- One word on how to live successfully? “Love. I would say live by the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do to you.”
- What are your most deeply embedded values? Honesty, love, truth. I would love to live in a world where everybody has enough to eat and no one was hungry, cold or lonely. I believe selfishness and greed cause all the problems. I am a Christian and try to live a life that will hurt no one else and maybe even help other people.”
Mary lived in her own home until she was 89 when a stroke would hit and lead to her eventual deterioration.
It was always a pleasure to visit her place. The calming atmosphere and inclusiveness she fostered were an attraction as were the cinnamon buns.
She was a fine example where the reputation matched the character.
Goodbye, Mary, thanks for the memories and the lovely daughter.
A Successful Cross-Continental Search
June 9, 2014 § 2 Comments
There’s nothing quite like a series of old photographs to remind us of places we’ve been, friends we’ve been there with and the person we were ourselves at the time.
I’ve been on the road for 5 months to the day. My explorations have taken me across 9 countries and 5 continents, I still have just over a month to go before I’m home for the summer.
When I was leaving, one of my friends commented on Facebook, “I hope you find what it is you’re searching for!” I hoped so too. An epic trip like this had been my only real end goal since I came back from a 4 week trip to Italy and southern France in 2004… and now was the time to do it. I was lost.
Back in 2010, I had a moment. A moment where, like a ton of bricks, the reality of my brother’s death came crashing down on me. I’ve never had a moment that dark before (and thankfully haven’t since). In the days after that moment, I found myself reaching for my friends. Emails, messages, phone calls and notes, apologizing for being a “horrible” friend for feeling like I hadn’t been present for them in a long time. Most everyone just gave me a hug or an encouraging note back, except for two long time friends. They were hurt because they felt like they had lost a friend.
This point is only important now because I’ve been circling on our conversation a lot, trying to understand their perspective, looking through their eyes, remembering.
In these last 5 months, I’ve been clearing out a lot of lingering cobwebs like old beliefs come back for another go and nooks and crannies I hadn’t quite gotten to on my last internal sweep. But I’ve also been able to take a full step outside of my life and do a proper evaluation on what happened. My diagnosis–I suffered from a really, really, really broken-heart.
I’m on my own out here. Being on my own has given me ample time to feel, to reflect and to heal. I circled back to that conversation with those two friends to help me understand that part of me (my feeling heart) disappeared for a long time. It wasn’t lost exactly, it had just buried itself so far away from everyone that I had to go looking across continents for it.
The good news is that I found it somewhere back in Spain and today, looking back at all of my old photos and reconnecting with the person I was in them, I think I’ve convinced it to make the trek back with me this summer. I miss me and the friends and family I’ve surrounded myself with too!
I promise to keep a closer eye on it from here on in… and to let you help me by bringing it out more often!
Goodbye But Never To Be Forgotten
March 3, 2014 § 11 Comments
Jasper soaking up a sunbeam.
I had absolutely no intention of getting another dog after Sammi went to Canine Heaven in July 2002.
The idea certainly wasn’t on my mind that Sunday afternoon just two months later when I was off to Staples with Joyce to get some office supplies for the communications business I operated at the time.
She suggested we stop in at the Humane Society along the way. I recall thinking there would be no harm in looking.
I didn’t buy the printer cartridge and paper I’d set out to purchase that day. Instead, it would be the start of another wonderful journey with a very different dog from the smart-as-a-whip, loyal and protective, but timid girl who’d been part of our family for 15 years.
Check out the blog I authored four years ago profiling the short story I penned about Jasper for a writing competition.
We had to say goodbye to him this past Thursday before I finished turning it into a book. It was sudden and much too soon.
Once you read the blog, you’ll know that Jasper would want his story to be told. It is one that deserves to be shared with the world.
Jasper was just eight weeks old when we met him. Joyce and I were immediately drawn to him but we didn’t make any impulse decisions as we are known to do.
In the ensuing days, Peter and I went back and looked at dogs and then the three of us returned within a week. I remember wandering around the Humane Society looking at other possibilities while Joyce and Peter had turned their attention back to the floppy eared Golden Lab/Shepherd/mutt.
They brought him to me to make a final decision.
I was trying to make a serious choice as I took him for a brief walk and then picked him up. It didn’t take long for that happy face to make the response a resounding Yes.
Like any puppy, Jasper created his fair share of frustration, including eating some heirloom books and an autographed Jean Beliveau autobiography. A neighbour lady politely referred to him as rambunctious.
However, once Jasper became a person, as he clearly thought of himself, he turned into my hero.
The world would be a better place if more people had Jasper’s qualities. He lived life to the fullest and made sure those around him enjoyed his company. He could make me laugh even on the crappiest days.
If he was a regular school child, Jasper would have been the class clown, but always to amuse others. He was always himself – gregarious, happy-go-lucky and fun but equally there if you needed to talk to someone.
A co-worker who came by to express her condolences described Jasper as a character and related a story that made me smile.
When she and her daughter took a walk with us once, the girl hopped onto a park bench to rest and Jasper jumped up right beside her as if he were just another child.
Even in his waning days, Jasper knew how to capture a heart.
We took in a boarder in early January and it didn’t take long for Brianne and Jasper to be fighting over space on the couch. Once territory was established, he would cuddle in just like he did when he assumed his one-third of the bed with Joyce and I.
Even on his last night with us, Jasper gave us glimpses of his old self. We tried to distract him with treats. He was pacing around after his first of multiple seizures. He chowed the morsels down like he did as a puppy.
He was eager to go with us on a walk down to the mailbox. Jasper’s tail wagged spritely and he even surged ahead, something he hadn’t done much lately. Perhaps he knew the end was near and he wanted to give us a final gift.
I will end with excerpts from Facebook tributes Peter, who is attending college in Kelowna, and Joyce wrote:
“Today I was informed that one of my best and oldest friends was unfairly taken from this plane of existence. Jasper was the only being to always show his overwhelming excitement to see me and tolerated moods both good and bad. He never once judged me for coming home in the wee hours of the morning, even if I had had a few too many drinks.
He, as all the best dogs do, had a great sense of emotional ESP and never failed in cheering me up after a bad day. He was a great wrestling opponent and a decent snuggler. He was a barrel of laughs and a cauldron of joy. I will endlessly miss his adorable furry face.
Now, he is leaping across the Rainbow Bridge, past the gates of Asgard and into the mighty halls of Puppy Valhalla to receive a Kong from Odin himself, filled with the finest peanut butter in all 12 kingdoms.
So long, Jasp-articus. It was a slice.”
Joyce wrote:
“Today we said goodbye to our funny, crazy, wonderful, cuddly, loving and always entertaining Jasper. He was the best thing at the end of the day … coming home to that wagging tail, happy face and overwhelmingly enthusiastic nature.
I’m sure that for a long time we will hear the jingle of his collar as he woke up, the click of toenails on the floor coming to check out what was interesting in the fridge and his distinctive “hooting” when we came home too late or were ignoring his more subtle hints that it was time for a walk.
“Rest peacefully my sweet boy.”
Forever In Ink: Free To Be
February 10, 2014 § 3 Comments
I awoke with three words on my mind: Free to be. I shook my head to clear away the confusion I was feeling from waking up in a new place. My eyes focused on the waves crashing against the sandy beach… a dream? No. That is actually what I was waking up to. We were on a private beach in Uluwatu and I had falling asleep in the sun. The words in my head, free to be, would become my next tattoo.
Last April, on a trip to Hawaii, I bought a piece of driftwood that someone had burned “Free To Be” into. I had intended the driftwood as a gift, but the more I looked at it, the more I connected with it. It came home with me and spent the next 9 months on my bedside table. I awoke every morning to it.
Last summer, I remember heading out for a walk and watching a couple of dogs running as fast as they could through the park. Carefree, ears flapping in the wind behind them. I wanted to feel like that, energized and happy to be running as fast as I could for no other reason than the sheer enjoyment of it. But even the walk was work at that point. It just seemed so far away.
You know my story from following previous blog posts. I worked my ass off, settled the rest of my commitments and set off on my travels. I found myself in Bali with a group of women I had never before met, only been on conference calls with prior to the trip and stalked them on Facebook. We were all participants in a trip called the Magical Bali Bucket List tour with Spices Tours. Two weeks in Bali together. It could be a wonderful experience or a terrible nightmare. It was a wonderful experience.
My tattoo in Bali from Sailor July at Lady Rose Tattoo.
I wasn’t planning on getting a second tattoo–at least not in Bali. But, one of the gals on the trip and I got to talking about tattoos–she’s a vibrant canvas of so many beautiful ones! One thing lead to another and soon there were 5 of us who all signed on for a Bali tattoo. Now the hard part… what do I get? I do what I always do when I don’t know an answer yet. I slept on it… in the sunshine on the private beach in Uluwatu.
Two tattoos. On the same arm. Not small. Extremely prominent. Two tattoos that are just so… me.
Free to be. It’s about many things. It’s giving myself permission for this journey I’m on. Even though I’ve gone ahead with it, there’s still a part of me that feels guilty for not taking the path more travelled by. The path so many others take. I tried it for a long time because I thought I was supposed to, not because I ever really wanted to. This tattoo is about following my heart and being whoever it is I want to be in any given moment.
We’re all free to be.
It’s also about reminding myself that if this is a principle I’m living by, it applies to everyone else too. Every friend who may or may not see what I see; loved ones who struggle with my alternative lifestyle choices; past, present or potential partners… everyone. We’re all at where we’re at and we’re free to be there as much or as little as we want. Whenever I find a monologue in my brain that’s anything other than cheering somebody on in the choices they’re making, all I have to do is look down at my arm and remember, “Oh right… we’re free to be.”
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Right after I scheduled this post to publish, I came across this TED Talk about modern slavery… obviously I have some opinions there, unfortunately that discussion didn’t quite fit into the flow of this post.
If You’re Stuck, Get Unstuck By Getting Unclear About The How
October 22, 2013 § 1 Comment
“All it takes is faith and trust… and a little bit of pixie dust.”
– Peter Pan
I had a thought as I was falling asleep last night. So much has been falling into place for me lately–and falling with little effort. My plans to travel are very quickly taking shape… as are the means to support me financially as I globe trot. As I lay entranced in that place between consciousness and unconsciousness, I wondered what specifically had changed inside of me to bring me into my life flow. As I pondered, a little voice spoke up and said, “You’ve surrendered to what you want… rather than what you think you should have.”
Once upon a time I was trying to make my way through life in the image of what others had told me was what life “should” look like. Go to school, get a good job, work my way up, buy a house, get married, have babies, go on a few trips, renovate the house, make my yard pretty, visit a cabin on the lake and work my way to retirement.
All I can say is thank GOD for the internet… for people with ideas of how life doesn’t need to be the one our parents lead, it doesn’t need to resemble what we’re shown in today’s media or the lifestyle our friends are choosing to lead. There are so many different examples out there of people who are living the life they’ve always wanted that it’s become impossible for me to think of my dreams as only dreams–they are tangible visions that I can turn into my reality.
This voyage that I’m embarking on has been the thing I’ve wanted to do for more than a decade. All of my efforts have been geared towards giving me the freedom to go. Even when I wasn’t consciously focused on creating the opportunity to travel, it seemed as though some part of me held on to that dream, dug in and gripped so hard I carried it with me through the years.
Even just a few months ago, it still seemed so far away… it was a dream I wasn’t sure I’d get to realize. That is, until I committed to it… I just didn’t know how I was going to make it happen. The secret is in the commitment. Get yourself to that point where there’s no way in hell you’re turning back… and surrender.
To me commitment looked like giving notice at my job and at the apartment I was renting as well as letting everyone I knew… I mean everyone… that I was headed off around the world and I didn’t really know what else the picture entailed… but short of illegal activities, I was open to any and all possibilities.
The minute I surrendered the mechanics and gave up any notion of strategizing and planning before I began taking action… the minute I opened myself up to possibilities I couldn’t even fathom, guess what showed up? The means and the opportunities to take me forward.
Writing, online marketing, social media and web design contracts, volunteer organizations, websites with workplace opportunities, people to travel with, people to stay with, offers for reduced airfare and other contra opportunities, travel guides in different countries, joining friends for weddings around the globe… and I haven’t even boarded a plane yet.
If you’re stuck, get clear about the dream, but get unclear about the how. Like a magic eye, when things get out of focus, sometimes you can see the underlying message more clearly. Open your heart, step into the thing or the way of life you’ve always dreamt of, take care of anything you’ve put in your way to hold you back (pay off, sell or rent your home… have that conversation with your spouse… decide to take your kids out of school and go sailing for a year) and soak it all in!
You can’t know what’s waiting for you until you open the door, step outside and take flight!
They Call Me The Wanderer
September 23, 2013 § 4 Comments
Photo credit: divadsci1
There’s something about being on the verge of the next big thing that gets my blood pumping. Three years ago it was launching an incredibly vibrant community of urban explorers when I began my adventure as the Yelp Calgary Community Manager. Now, I find myself saying goodbye to the community I’ve built of some of the friendliest and coolest people I’ve ever met and embarking upon a new journey, one I’ve been dreaming up for more than a decade.
I’m a wandering spirit. I have been ever since my first trip overseas to Indonesia when I was 14. Multiple trips throughout my teens and early 20s shaped my young world views and inspired me to achieve my Bachelor of Commerce in International Business from the University of Alberta. I wanted to travel.
Many twists and turns and detours have brought me to where I’m at. Deaths in the family; the thrill and naivety of my youth that subsequently had me spending the last four and a half years paying off nearly $72,000 in debt (final payment last week!); various people and positions and jobs that have shaped my views on how the world works and brought some incredible people into my networks along the way…
David and I talk a lot about following our passion. I love to inspire people to choose their dreams and live them. The only effective way I’ve found to accomplish this is to follow that same mantra myself.
And so last week, I tendered my resignation in pursuit of my big hairy dream. Come January, I’ll be a wanderer, a wayfarer. I’ve fulfilled any commitments that once prevented me from going. Now, I wander.
It’s fitting that the first trip on my books is back to the land that first inspired my desire to travel. I’ll be headed on a “bucket list” trip to Bali as I do some work with a local tours company, Spices.
Stay tuned… I’m sure I’ll have many insights and inspirations to share as I make my way!
Focusing On Your Foundations
September 17, 2013 § Leave a comment
“Tough times don’t last. Tough people do.”
That’s a lyric from Tough People Do, performed by singer Brett Kissel during the first of two August fundraising concerts to raise money for flood-stricken Southern Alberta.
His words really have resonated with me ever since. Thousands of people in our province were devastated by Mother Nature, including four deaths.
I have been reminded several times over the last few weeks that even though my wife and I have had personal and family setbacks this year, encouraging things have also occurred. Needless to say, the above noted tragedy had its own way of underlining that other people can always be worse off.
First, blogmate Wendy wrote me about advancements she’s been exploring in digital publishing. This was great news since we’ve been discussing for a few months how to turn this blog into the intended motivational/inspirational book. We started writing together in fall 2009 with the goal of building content for this publication, but have yet to determine a format or platform for taking our writings into a broader realm.
That really pumped me up because although I have had ideas to write about in the last few months, I have lacked the drive to put pen to paper, so to speak.
The very next day, a teacher friend contacted me to advise that she had read the most recent draft of my story about Jasper, our dog. I am turning a short story I authored for a writing competition three years ago into a book. My friend adored the story and would love to have Jasper and I visit her classroom to read the story and encourage students to write.
That is very cool on a couple of levels. It means I will have a target group to test out what ages the book should be directed to. I also enjoy any opportunity to work directly with the education system, whether that’s doing school tours of City Hall or my former work as a school board communicator in Sault Ste. Marie, Ont.
Again, that energized me because I have only puttered with the story since I first penned it in spring 2010. I have mulled over whether to lengthen it, if I should turn it into a series of vignettes or simplify the script for younger audiences. Getting a meaningful endorsement was a big boost to get my dream of getting Jasper published.
Within days, I had an inspired lunch with a close friend and colleague who provided some timely calm and perspective on some dilemmas.
Our recent vacation to the West Coast and Vancouver Island provided some much-needed relaxation and a break from work and volunteer activities. It was an opportunity for Joyce and I to enjoy some couple time and to discuss future plans away from the hectic day-to-day lives we live.
It also allowed time to reconnect with some family and friends some of whom are as close as family. These connections are the most important of foundations.
One of these people, is someone I admire greatly for her toughness and perseverance.
While in Richmond, we celebrated the retirement of Fran Hunter, who operated a family day home for 35 years, many of which were as a single parent of two daughters.
I first met Fran as a college student. I was a boarder in her home for three years as I attained my diploma in journalism and certificate in communications at Kwantlen College.
She was much like a sister to me and we’ve remained close friends since.
Small in stature, Fran battled through numerous odds to complete a respected career and has earned the next, unwritten chapter in her life.
Speaking of enduring hardship, I end with another quote that Fran might have found helpful. It certainly hit home with me.
“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” ~ novelist C.S. Lewis
Where Are We Meant To Be?
August 26, 2013 § 2 Comments
I was at a party recently where one of the attendees was turning 30. He told a group of us he wasn’t where he’d imagined being at that age in terms of achievements, but that he’d come to terms with it.
It was pleasing to hear this fellow had found perspective, especially since he’d just landed a new job and has a lovely girlfriend. He has lots to look forward to.
This is not an uncommon scenario. Whether it’s our own expectations or those of others, there are threshold ages at which certain achievements are supposed to have occurred. I realized long ago there is no set time for things to happen. We should avoid comparisons between generations.
I remember once sitting with a guy on his 30th birthday. He got totally wasted feeling he’d accomplished little worthwhile in his life. He’d somehow overlooked that he was a part owner of a business and had been married in the previous couple of years.
Needless to say, when I reached that age, I was waiting for the sky to fall. It didn’t. Nor did it when I reached age 50.
When I turn 53 on Aug. 28, I will be at a baseball game in Seattle while on vacation. No chance of the blues on that day, either, unless there are some musicians playing one of my favourite genres of music.
Goal-setting is a great tool toward reaching objectives but we can get so consumed with what are “supposed to do” by a certain milestone, we forget to enjoy the journey.
I told an outgoing colleague that I was writing this blog. I just had to include her reaction.
Lucy Ramirez began as a City of Grande Prairie Municipal Intern and left last week as the Education Co-ordinator in the Environmental Sustainability department. I had always found Lucy to be mature beyond her years and admire her for doing things in her own unique ways.
When I learned she’s going to pursue further education to transition to a career in planning, I was not surprised. Lucy has always been her own person.
“Age 30 is the right time for me to be returning to school,” she proclaimed in our parting chat.
Lucy will go as far as her ambition takes her, following her own cues as to the right time to do things.
Our current Municipal Intern Divine Ndemeye had some great food for thought when I told her what I am writing about.
“I wonder if the pressure or excitement, in some instances, is our own choices or if it’s purely societal expectations,” she says.
She notes where people are at by certain ages can be influenced by family, religious or cultural traditions.
“So I suspect that those emphasis put on certain ages are just ways for all of us to feel validated in society and not necessarily always to ourselves,” she added.
“We all know the questions and comments that we get asked at some point in life:
- “When are you going to settle down?”
- “You should think about buying a house”
- “Your clock is ticking”
“All those are associated with a time constraint or some ‘deadline’ to be met. Individual deadlines and targets aren’t usually as expressed as the societal ones. Most people speak of external pressure to be ‘somewhere’ in their life, according to whatever age they are.”
Emilie Lepage, a friend in Quebec City going to medical school to be a doctor, says it’s true how a lot of us have a mindset that at a certain age we should be somewhere in our lives.
“For myself, I imagine being 30 and starting to feel comfortable with my work and hopefully with a man I love, starting a family. But who knows? I can’t predict my future.”
She says it’s most important to focus on happiness and being open to various experiences, including the potential to travel.
“I just don’t have any set goals in where I want to be. I want to see what life has in store for me.”
I was initially inspired to write this piece when Alina, a Canucks fan in Vancouver who follows me on Twitter, shared with me her thoughts in June about graduating from high school and what might lie ahead.
Her outlook is refreshing. I hope others look at what they are doing as worthwhile and not be totally consumed by timelines set by themselves or others.
I’m reminded of the lyrics from Garden Party, a 1972 song by Ricky Nelson: “Ya can’t please everyone so you got to please yourself.”
Check out Alina’s story:
“So I just threw my graduation cap in the air yesterday, and watched as people who I have known since my childhood leave the auditorium to every corner of the world –California, Hong Kong, Toronto, France, and even Russia.
It’s a weird feeling; it never really hit me until I was sitting in the car heading home from the night. Everyone is going down their own separate paths, with each their own aspirations and dreams without the security of a group of people who were essentially like their second family.
“What does my future have in place for me? I really don’t know. Signing up for courses at university, I did know ‘Yeah, I love science’ and that somehow I will manage to incorporate that in my life.
However, university is just another step in education, and since I was a child I was already aware that “Yeah, I’m going to go to university!” and would even answer the home phone calls with “Hi, Dr. Alina here’.
“I think I’ve come to realize that I spend a plethora of my time on textbook knowledge and not enough on true life knowledge – about what it means to challenge yourself, test yourself, do more for people who are always by your side and for people you know that need it.
“When in life am I going to need to know who Arthur Miller’s father was? I mean, it’s interesting to know about the lives of others but maybe – just maybe – I should be spending a little more time on my own?
I want to look back and tell myself that “hey, I actually did go zip lining” even though the thought of being high up in the air puts my brain at unease.
All I know about my future is that I do not want a cookie cutter life. I do not want to graduate high school, then graduate from university, then get a boring job sitting at a desk all day with ugly grey walls swallowing me up followed by getting married and having two kids as well as a dog named Rufus in a home surrounded by a white picket fence.
“It may be the American dream, but if there is one thing I know it’s that it’s definitely not my dream. You only get one chance. Why not leave a meaningful – even if small – mark on the planet?”
Alina has her eyes on being a biologist, a haematologist or a genetics researcher. She will shine at whatever she sets out to do – and whenever she does it.
I Love You.
June 17, 2013 § 1 Comment
Today, I looked myself in the mirror and I wouldn’t budge until I was able to say something to myself that I’ve been longing to hear.
At first, the words wouldn’t come. Blue eyes were staring back at me expectantly. A lump formed in my throat. My bottom lip began to tremble. My eyes welled with tears. I wanted to look away, but I didn’t. This was too important. The blue eyes still looking at me, also red and brimming with tears. So long as I was there, they weren’t going anywhere. Try again.
“I…” I faltered and broke down once more. But with renewed courage I tried again.
“I love you.” I stumbled on the words at the end, but at least this time it was out!
I did it again. And again. And again. Until the words were loud and clear and resounding from a place inside of me I do my best to ignore. If I could’ve hugged the figure in the mirror, what an embrace it would have been. As it was, we stared back at one another, each with a grateful smile curling on our lips. I picked up a hand towel and dried her tears.
“I love you. I see you.” She smiled back. We’ve made contact.
**********
“If you don’t love yourself, you can’t love anybody else.”
– Jennifer Lopez
People around me are falling in love. And I’m paying attention. A colleague recently shared a scrapbook she made for her partner – full of words of love, affection and celebration. I flipped each page, looking at the photos, the mementos, the laughing eyes and faces brimmed with happiness.
“This is beautiful!” I said as I handed the scrapbook back to her.
Inside I thought, “Is this what people in love look like?” I’ve known this girl for a long time. I’ve never seen her eyes dance like this before. I think it must be.
My best friend and I have joined forces with another of our friends to complete a book study of Calling In The One by Katherine Woodward Thomas. 7 weeks of exercises and contemplation. At the centre of just about every exercise… you (me). The book is about learning to love yourself, because as J Lo pointed out, true love isn’t possible until we first love ourselves.
I met a man once in the midst of a messy marriage. As I listened to his story, all I could feel were the pain behind his words. A woman he shouldn’t have married, a house that wasn’t creating a space of love for either of them or their children. As we talked, I found myself relating to his pain. Not his situation, but the feeling behind the situation. As he told his story, I could see the parts in mine where I could take the initiative to turn all that around. Most of his story was about learning to stand up for himself and step into his light rather than skulking in his shadows.
I’ve done a great deal of work on my self-image and self-esteem, but I went deeper. I got right down next to the me that was still hurting and I watched what made her cower, made her hide, made her afraid to show her beautiful face. Anything I do that makes her feel like less of a person, I stop. Now we manage our eating habits, our spending habits, our relationships and our thoughts with much more awareness and intention. Because when I slip up, she hides.
I slip up when I’m not listening to her. She knows exactly what she wants, what she needs.
Last night as I lay in my bed, it dawned on me that I could give her what she wants.
“I love you, Wendy,” I whispered into the darkness.
This morning I woke up, all warm and snuggled in my blankets.
“I love you, Wendy.”
And then I had the brilliant idea that I should look myself in the eyes while I said it.
I trudged upstairs, hair a mess, bits of eyeliner still lining my eyes from what I didn’t wash off the night before. I looked myself in the mirror and I wouldn’t budge until I was able to say something to myself that I’ve been longing to hear.
Eyes brimming with tears, lips trembling, it took a few tries, but I did it.
“I love you, Wendy.”
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Wendy Peters & David Olinger
Wendy Peters
The Muse and Views 